APRIL 20TH, 2012
Ahhh, so here we are. I haven't written anything on this blog in a few days...I think. I'm not sure how long it's been actually. Oh well, who cares. Anywho, April 18th was my birthday, my 15th birthday to be precise. The reason why I mention this actually, is because I've been having a lot of mixed feelings about it. On one hand I'm happy, but I'm more confused, and the confusion seems to tipping the scale in it's direction more than the happiness ever will. I don't know why, but thinking back, I remember being younger and seeing teenagers and thinking how great and easy their lives must be, and how efficient it must be to have freedom. Or let alone, just being older, or having at least a slight sense of superiority. I thought being older would be possibly the most amazing thing to exist in purple mountains rubber ducky eternity. But as the years tally up, everything just seems to be slipping away, my freedom, my happiness, my friends, and even the thrill of being alive. Every morning I wake up and I ask myself " Why do I live?" But really, why do I? It feels so unclear to me at times, like going through the ocean on a raft through the fog, looking for land. But if I look, if I really search and organize my thoughts into my little mind file cabinets, I know exactly where the land is, it's vague, but it exists and I have a slight sense of security. Looking at my life, and straining out the good things just like separating pulp from juice, I know what makes me happy. I know exactly what I have and want. I have my friends, which by the way, if any of you are reading this, I want you to know how much you make me enjoy life when I see you. I thank you for baring with me, even if I pushed you away. I have my boyfriend, who by the way, is magnificent. In my opinion, this guy makes me the happiest I've ever been, ever. I love him. I have my family, complete with parents, two younger brothers, a younger sister, and of course me. I know the care about me but sometimes I feel like they don't. Well, they do. I have my bunny, and as creepy as it sounds, she makes me happy too, she's like a living, breathing, hopping anti-depressant in my mind. Knowing all of this things contribute to my life and my well being wasn't brought to my realization until my birthday. I will grow older, I will lose people along the way, and I will live every year happily. The future is a surprise, and I want to see it. I want to live and breathe as long as I can on this earth and enjoy every waking moment I have left. As I age, the number of years I have left to enjoy are reduced, and I guess that's the disappointing part of birthdays. But why, why didn't I realize this before? I have every reason to be on this earth and so does everyone else who inhabits it.
-Rhea
Friday, April 20, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Platypus S**t
TUESDAY, APRIL 10TH, 2012
Well, today I feel.......boxed in, you could say. You see, I'm in a relationship with a guy named vince. We've been dating for about a month and a half, and I feel so happy to be with him. The catch is, my parents aren't very fond of us. They're bothered that we kiss, they're bothered that we cuddle, they also make it very difficult to see him. On my part, that's not a very good thing considering I have issues with depression and I have a need to see the people that make me happy. But I've brought myself to a new view. In order to obtain what we desire, we have to sacrifice something of equal value whether we like it or not. We have to be unhappy to be happy. Everything has a catch and in order to get the things we want we have to work for it. I envy those who have everything easy (it seems) but looking beneath the surface, I notice everyone has wounds you can't see on their skin. -sigh- I'll have to bare with it for now.
Anywho, today I feel self confident. I did my make-up and hair squeeful today hehe. This doesn't happen much actually. But I'm happy with how I look, it feels different. Part of me is afraid that tomorrow I won't feel the same. Oh well, I'll just have to wait and see tomorrow morning. Overall, besides the self confidence outburst, today was a shit day.
-Rhea
Well, today I feel.......boxed in, you could say. You see, I'm in a relationship with a guy named vince. We've been dating for about a month and a half, and I feel so happy to be with him. The catch is, my parents aren't very fond of us. They're bothered that we kiss, they're bothered that we cuddle, they also make it very difficult to see him. On my part, that's not a very good thing considering I have issues with depression and I have a need to see the people that make me happy. But I've brought myself to a new view. In order to obtain what we desire, we have to sacrifice something of equal value whether we like it or not. We have to be unhappy to be happy. Everything has a catch and in order to get the things we want we have to work for it. I envy those who have everything easy (it seems) but looking beneath the surface, I notice everyone has wounds you can't see on their skin. -sigh- I'll have to bare with it for now.
Anywho, today I feel self confident. I did my make-up and hair squeeful today hehe. This doesn't happen much actually. But I'm happy with how I look, it feels different. Part of me is afraid that tomorrow I won't feel the same. Oh well, I'll just have to wait and see tomorrow morning. Overall, besides the self confidence outburst, today was a shit day.
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| My squeefulness today |
Monday, April 9, 2012
The tortoise of insecurity
MONDAY, APRIL 9TH 2012
Well here's an introduction for ya. I'm a 15 year old girl, who's been through a lot of crap, well everyone has been through the second part. Some are open about it, some decide to be a senile turtle. Being a turtle isn't half bad, being one myself. Part of the reason I made this blog is an assignment to myself, to learn how to open up and tell people how I feel, how my day has been, who I saw, to be a person. I keep absolutely everything to myself for fear someone will use my secrets against me, or bend my life in the wrong direction until it snaps. And when I say turtle, I mean it metaphorically. As in, A turtle will be open and friendly if it's in familiar, comfortable surroundings, where it feels like it's safe and free to do whatever it wants. Then all of a sudden, someone has just a teensy bit of a threatening approach, the turtle will go back in his shell and sleep to avoid the situation. I feel like this quite often, when people force me to tell them what's wrong or what's bothering me if they keep pushing for me to tell them after i tell them i don't want to talk about it. Having that happen over and over and over again, I think it has put me in permanent defensive mode and my brain is practically saying "Screw everyone, you're meant to be alone." I want my brain to erase this message like an old voicemail, I want it to be as simple as pressing the delete button and knowing what I just rid of is not important, but no I have to deal with this with a different approach....hence, this blog. It will be my virtual diary. I'll tell you all my feelings, I'll tell you all what I'm thinking. People will know, I will tell them.
-Rhea :)
Well here's an introduction for ya. I'm a 15 year old girl, who's been through a lot of crap, well everyone has been through the second part. Some are open about it, some decide to be a senile turtle. Being a turtle isn't half bad, being one myself. Part of the reason I made this blog is an assignment to myself, to learn how to open up and tell people how I feel, how my day has been, who I saw, to be a person. I keep absolutely everything to myself for fear someone will use my secrets against me, or bend my life in the wrong direction until it snaps. And when I say turtle, I mean it metaphorically. As in, A turtle will be open and friendly if it's in familiar, comfortable surroundings, where it feels like it's safe and free to do whatever it wants. Then all of a sudden, someone has just a teensy bit of a threatening approach, the turtle will go back in his shell and sleep to avoid the situation. I feel like this quite often, when people force me to tell them what's wrong or what's bothering me if they keep pushing for me to tell them after i tell them i don't want to talk about it. Having that happen over and over and over again, I think it has put me in permanent defensive mode and my brain is practically saying "Screw everyone, you're meant to be alone." I want my brain to erase this message like an old voicemail, I want it to be as simple as pressing the delete button and knowing what I just rid of is not important, but no I have to deal with this with a different approach....hence, this blog. It will be my virtual diary. I'll tell you all my feelings, I'll tell you all what I'm thinking. People will know, I will tell them.
-Rhea :)
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