Really, why?

APRIL 20TH, 2012


Ahhh, so here we are. I haven't written anything on this blog in a few days...I think. I'm not sure how long it's been actually. Oh well, who cares. Anywho, April 18th was my birthday, my 15th birthday to be precise. The reason why I mention this actually, is because I've been having a lot of mixed feelings about it. On one hand I'm happy, but I'm more confused, and the confusion seems to tipping the scale in it's direction more than the happiness ever will. I don't know why, but thinking back, I remember being younger and seeing teenagers and thinking how great and easy their lives must be, and how efficient  it must be to have freedom. Or let alone, just being older, or having at least a slight sense of superiority. I thought being older would be  possibly the most amazing thing to exist in purple mountains rubber ducky eternity. But as the years tally up, everything just seems to be slipping away, my freedom, my happiness, my friends, and even the thrill of being alive. Every morning I wake up and I ask myself " Why do I live?" But really, why do I? It feels so unclear to me at times, like going through the ocean on a raft through the fog, looking for land. But if I look, if I really search and organize my thoughts into my little mind file cabinets, I know exactly where the land is, it's vague, but it exists and I have a slight sense of security.  Looking at my life, and straining out the good things just like separating pulp from juice, I know what makes me happy. I know exactly what I have and want. I have my friends, which by the way, if any of you are reading this, I want you to know how much you make me enjoy life when I see you. I thank you for baring with me, even if I pushed you away. I have my boyfriend, who by the way, is magnificent.   In my opinion, this guy makes me the happiest I've ever been, ever. I love him. I have my family, complete with parents, two younger brothers, a younger sister, and of course me. I know the care about me but sometimes I feel like they don't. Well, they do. I have my bunny, and as creepy as it sounds, she makes me happy too, she's like a living, breathing, hopping anti-depressant in my mind. Knowing all of this things contribute to my life and my well being wasn't brought to my realization until my birthday. I will grow older, I will lose people along the way, and I will live every year happily. The future is a surprise, and I want to see it. I want to live and breathe as long as I can on this earth and enjoy every waking moment I have left. As I age, the number of years I have left to enjoy are reduced, and I guess that's the disappointing part of birthdays. But why, why didn't I realize this before? I have every reason to be on this earth and so does everyone else who inhabits it.



-Rhea